Monday Q-Tip ( or how I learned to stop worrying and love Gary Bettman)


Spent the weekend shopping?

Perhaps weaving in and out of alleys ….? Looking for your dog? Cat? Drunken hamster?

Maybe – the lusty music of Barry White played in the background as your fingers explored and caressed. Every vibration from the tune’s bass sending impulses through your fingertips and onto the keyboard as porn was being browsed.

Not to worry … Here is what you missed in the National Hockey League.

East is East – West is West

( and Raffi Torres will never forget ).

Raffia Torres will appeal his suspension of twenty- five games or won’t he? This is the question and have his chances increased since Chris Neal leveled Brian Boyle on Saturday night?

The Senator hit the Rangers’ Boyle with a very similar hit albeit not as bad as Torres’ on Hossa. Neal’s hit was the same as Max Pacioretty nailing the Penguins‘ Chris Letang … Max received a two game suspension and since Neil is a somewhat repeat offender ( was fined before ), Mr. Neal should receive five games if Shanahan and the league wish to be taken serious …

Whatever the outcome, a suspension or slap on the hockey glove – the decision will give Torres some leverage if he decides to appeal. The problem? Torres has been a bad, bad boy too often. He may have used all his ‘ get out of jail for free ‘ cards and cannot collect 200 million for passing go … Not this time.

Pittsburgh – Flyers Series

See what happens when a team does not listen to their Moms? Recall the saying: ‘ walk away … count to ten … ‘? How about the phrase; ‘ if your friend jumps off a bridge will you too …’?

The Malkin – led, Crosby – wannabe Penguins played hockey the Flyers’ way and lost. No ifs, ands or Bryzgalov’s about it. Following an inspiring attemp to come back from a 3 – 0 deficit, the Pens were too banged up emotionally and physically to beat their cross – state rivals. Penguin goalie Fleury was as bad as a goalie could get in the series and why his coach played him so often – is a mystery as deep as Scott Gomez’ stay in Montreal.

This series was a lot of fun and a dreaded sense could be felt throughout the Flyers’ home in the final moments even though the home team was eliminating their rivals. Nobody likes to see a good thing end. Whoever the Flyers’ opponents will be in the next round – it will take Philadelphia a few games to get pumped.

Bruins – Caps

If this series was named after a toy; a yo – yo would be suffice. These two teams trade goals and games like a hooker on a good night. The Bruins are resilient which makes Hab fans cringe and Bostonian’s nervous. For some reason, Boston excels when their backs are against the boards. A Washington upset seems unlikely as game seven plays out in the land of Bobby Orr. If ever was a time for Ovechkin to dispel the ‘ Crosby is king ‘ rumors – it is now or maybe never for Alexander the Great. Rookie Washington net minder Holtby has played with so much poise, Tomas Vokoun may find himself on yet another team come spring 2012.

Vancouver – L.A

The Canucks along with the Sedin Sisters won the Presidents Trophy. If the trophy had been named after John F. Kennedy – an assassination was carried out true to form. Goalie Robert Luongo was killed off as the starting net minder, Alain Vigneault may have been ‘ iced ‘ as the head coach and the entire city was left without a reason to riot.

Are the Canucks quickly becoming the Buffalo Bills or the Atlanta Braves of hockey? It appears an off – season shake up will be the task at hand. Just don’t say ‘ Quick ‘ too quickly to a Canuck right now …

Detroit – Nashville

Is it a surprise the Predators dismissed the Wings faster than a bouncer dissed a minor at a nightclub? Not really … Is it a surprise the high – powered Wings scored less than a pedophile millionaire in Thailand? How do you say yes in Swedish?

Datsyuk, Franzen and Zetterburg – three guys who every team would love to have. Trios amigos who were stopped in their tracks by an outstanding goalie named Rinne. The Predators are a good team yet their net minder threw everything aside when it counted most. The Wings are in transition, much like the Canadiens of 1980 inclusively … The veterans are aging and the youth are filling their baby bottles with experience.

Time will tell if the Wings will keep their fans equipped with octopi or if they will fade into Hab or Islanders land. Jimmy Howard is no Terry Sawchuk and has Mike Babcock’s act run old in the city of Motown…

San Jose – St. Louis

Another year, another team aside from San Jose will hoist La Coupe Stanley. Why is it – season after non – festive season, do the Sharks exit from the playoffs quicker than a patron at a fire – engulfed movie theatre?

The Boston Red Sox had the curse of the Bambino. The Cubs – the curse of the Billy goat. The Sharks? The curse of Doug Wilson …

Mr. Wilson was appointed the G.M of the Sharks in 2003. Mr. Wilson once played in Chicago as a defenceman. Mr. Wilson left for San Jose and the Blackhawks have since won the Cup. San Jose… ? Not so much … The city of San Jose should blow up a puck at center ice. Exorcise the demons that reside in Wilson’s office. Re – name the squad the San Jose Goats … Anything to keep San Josians coming back to the rink. After all, before Larionov – hockey was as transparent in Wilson’s land as Pierre Gauthier was in Montreal.

That’s it hockey fans from coast to coast …

Keep your sticks on the ice, lock up your cats and dogs and remember – don’t let your hamsters drive drunk!

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Monday Morning Q – Tip


Since there are no Stanley Cup rings blocking Hab fans’ ears …

It is time for Montrealers to remove their heads from the sands of Nuns Island. Yes Virginia – there is hockey being played outside of Montreal !

Let us gander around the league and discover the good , the bad , and the ugly in Bettman’s band of merry millionaires …

- In St . Louis , Jaroslav ( the Fairview mall rat ) Halak and Brian ( E.T ) Elliot have broken the Blues ‘ single season shut – out record. Glen Hall and Jacques Plante held the previous highest total of thirteen. Halak and Elliot surpassed the total by posting back to back shut – outs over the weekend. In related news – Gauthier upped his dose of daily anti – anxiety pills to fourteen , matching the Blues ‘ goalies season total.

- The Anaheim Ducks lost to the Bruins in California last night 3 – 2 . A Duck goal was called back in the third period when the refs judged that a Duck was in the crease. Anaheim coach Bruce Boudreau was incensed with the call .”If people are going to call the ice surface a pond … ” Screamed the Duck coach . ” Then there will be ducks in the crease ! “

- The Wild have been officially dismissed from the playoffs. They have become the first team in the history of the league to go from first place in December to a post – season golf game. The Toronto Maple Leafs have officially let go of the Wild player’s skates …

- The Jets’ luck seems to have run out as they attempt to make the playoffs. Forward Brian( chicken) Little , was helped off the ice In the third period Saturday during Winnipeg’s loss to the Predators. Little has been red – hot of late while his teammates have cooled in the scoring department. The good news for people from the Peg ? An elimination from playoff contention leaves the team ‘s logo free to be used in curling matches …

- Andrei ( huh ? We are playing hockey today ?) Kostitsyn scored the game winning goal Sunday as the Predators passed Detroit in the standings. Six different players marked for Nashville which prompted the following remark from former Hab and current Predator Hal Gill ” It has been three years since six of my teammates have scored goals !”

- It appears that after two disappointing playoff exits – the Washington Capitals or , more precisely , Alex Ovechkin have finally learned something. Ovechkin has 9 goals in his last five games.Alexander the Great may have realized the regular season does not mean Dick Duff! If this is the case – teams in the east better watch out ! Ovechkin’s only hurdle ? A certain Halak in St. Louis could leave Ovechkin ‘ shakin ‘ …

Congratulations to Erik Cole on scoring the fastest hat trick in Habs ‘ history from the start of a game ! The three goals in under six minutes was the most goals scored by a Montreal Canadien since the entire team netted three in sixty games !

Stay tuned for the playoffs ! Le Forum de Montreal will have a Bruins’ fan giving his analysis of Boston’s demise … ER , I mean … Drive for two Cups ! Should be fun hearing from someone with five Stanley Cup experiences to draw from …

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Sex , Lies and Hockey Tape – Part One


Contrary to popular belief – there is life outside the Montreal Canadiens. At least , in the hockey world …

The Montreal Canadiens played awful last night against the awful Anaheim Ducks. In the first period – the Habs had consecutive back – to back – to- back power-plays and managed three shots on goal. That is akin to a man in a whorehouse not being able to get a kiss. What is Mathieu Darche doing on the power-play and why does Martin send out the same guys when they failed twice ? Decisions like these – are making it easy for Habs’ management to send him the way of the Dodo and Paul Maurice. The only thing that is saving Jacques’  derriere are injuries. Sources have informed me – Patrick Roy is waiting in the wings and it is just a matter of time …

The Boston Bruins have become the Philadelphia Flyers of the mid-seventies. Teams around the league are frightened of these guys and it shows in the results. The NHL brass are also seemingly afraid. The Bruins players are getting away with murder – the Kennedy’s would be proud … It will take a coach with balls to insert tough guys into the line-up , forget the instigator rule and pummel the Bruins into reality. If not , another Cup will place a Black and Gold eye on the league. Who says the NHL wants to do away with violence …?

The Toronto Maple Laffs Leafs have surprised everyone except the staff at TSN. Injuries to key personnel including goalie Jams Reimer have not stopped the Leafs from having the third best record in the East. The real fans are waiting for the real Leafs to start skating and losing like they can. Poor Brian Burke. Does he ink sorry coach Ron Wilson to a new deal or is the Leaf record an aberration ? Stay tuned …

The Washington Capitals have managed to play bad and reduce one of the best players in the league to a shadow of his former self. The man is dating a Russian starlet so that may have something to do with. I believe that ex- coach Boudreau did not give Ovie enough love and Ovechkin sulked into an abyss. Dale Hunter is now the coach and if Dale coaches the spoiled kids as he once played – the end of an era will be starting quick in Washington. All the Madonnas will be on the way out with Ovie the last man skating at year’s end. Unless the team pays attention to Mr. Hunter. Watch out if they do … !

The Carolina Hurricanes fired Paul Maurice but they have really nice cheerleaders. The Hurricanes hired Kirk ( is work ) Muller to coach but they have really nice cheerleaders. They may improve and they may not as Muller coaches his first NHL team as head coach. The Carolina Hurricanes have really nice cheerleaders – does anything else matter … ?

Stay tuned for part two …( in the meantime – check out the cheerleaders ) !

Jacques Martin’s Memo to Gauthier


Not surprisingly , Jacques Martin has some demands for next season and he has wasted no time in passing the requests onto his superior – M. Pierre Gauthier.

Luckily , the inter -office memo slipped into the hands of ‘ spies ‘ and the general public has access to it.

MontrealCanadiens interoffice memo

to:                  PierreGauthier

from:            JacquesMartin

subject:     dismissal from playoffs

date:             April 27 2011

Cc  The Molson Brothers

       Urgent reply needed

Dear Sirs,

 Let me begin by saying how much I enjoy coaching the Montreal Canadien hockey club. It is a great honor to be at the helm of such a storied franchise.

I did my best to succeed in the ultimate goal of any hockey team in the National Hockey League – to win the Stanley Cup. Unfortunately, myself and Monsieurs Muller and Pearn failed at our task and as a group – we are deeply distressed by the result of our first round series. The outcome is detrimental to success yet I truly believe that as a group, we gained important understanding for years to come. I also appreciate that we will be losingMr.Muller as an associate and although he will be greatly missed – we wish him nothing but victory in his future activities.

That stated, I wish to express my wishes for the subsequent season and I hope that all my demands are met with the utmost urgency. As a team, I do not believe that we can linger until the final moments to position the final pieces of this puzzle together.

Without further ado – my requests to advance the hockey club are as follows;

  – Please block past members of the hockey club who currently create their living as French broadcasters from both the dressing and media rooms. I find it very disconcerting to answer questions from former coaches and players that by no means won a damn thing in their previous roles and somehow accept as true – the right to question me!

- Do not – I repeat, DO NOT let me place eyes upon Benoit Pouliot again! I am fearful that I will exterminate the S. O. B …!

- Ditto Scott Gomez

- I would love to boast Scotty Bowman  as an assistant – please advise.

- If possible – could you please ensure that any fresh players on the team hover well above the elevation level of five feet ten inches? Thank You.

- As much as I enjoy his colorful accounts from the Motherland – could you please propel Mr. Kostisyn to Nashville  .

- I will never outfit Mr.Nilan  for a game against the Boston Bruins. Could you please update him of this decision and close down his nightly calls?

- Do not overlook the small matter of repairing that damn stanchion!

- While on the subject – it appears a psychologist may be required forMr.Pacioretty. He discovers a rather agitated state when anyone over six feet invades his space. He also refuses to eat the GREEN GIANT brand of peas.

- I sincerely believe that as a coach, calf roping and bull riding should not be part of the agenda. I would rather enjoy myself if that condition was removed from Mr. Price‘s contract. No offence to his cowboy ways of course.

- Is there a remote chance of obtaining the services of Messieurs Crosby or Ovechkin? Please advise .

I hope the above conditions are aptly met or at the smallest amount, a robust effort is given to the tasks at hand. Thank you for your ongoing support and let us all peer forward to a hopeful season in 2011 – 12.

Sincerely ,

JacquesMartin

p.s  Although the Mayans predict the end of the world in the year 2012 – I believe with strong defensive play , a Stanley Cup can be won !

p.p.s.  lol

p.p.p.s  lmao

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